I can’t explain it to you in a linear fashion, so I’ll just give you the thoughts and I hope it all makes sense…
When I started writing, recording, reflecting, I showed no one the work. I remember showing my wife some pieces over time and she just couldn’t handle them. She could never understand how anyone could do to another human being what they did to me, but what really made her angry was how could parents deliberately and systematically do that to their own child. I think also she was having to live with the day to day battle of the effects of the abuse. The anger, the rage, the dreams, the days and days with no sleep and so on. It wasn’t that she wasn’t supportive or appreciative of my effort, it just made her emotionally and physically ill to read some of the works.
When I took a chance and showed it to someone for the first time outside of my family, I shared a piece with someone in another country. They were so moved by it, that I showed them all that I had written and showed them everything as I continued to write. They said it was: brilliant, the best work they had ever seen, the world needed to read it, men needed to hear it… They were excited about the poetry, my art, but I felt dirty and sullied by it. Every time I would read it or write it, I would relive it. Every time some one reads it, I relive it. And I ‘know’ that when they look at me they see a ‘dirty sick filthy little bastard’ … or so the inner script runs.
I can only speak of abuse as it pertains to me and as it pertains to men, so forgive me if what I am about to say is not clearly expressed.
Men are simple beings. On a fundamental level we think of two things, food and sex. Give us a sandwich and we start thinking about sex. Give us sex and we are hungry again. Growing up, it was a badge of honor to have sex or to have seen pornography before anyone else. These things were seen as milestones of ‘manhood’ in the playground/college/workplace. Being engaged in sexual activity early wakes something up inside you. These desires, these feelings are supposed to be awakened by someone you want to give yourself to, who you want to pleasure and who wants to pleasure you.
Think about it, if ejaculation was like reading the dictionary, mankind would have ceased to exist long ago. But at the moment of ejaculation the body releases norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin, it is an incredible natural high. This high can be brought on by a partner or yourself. In my case a parent, then later a range of their adults friends, then a leader in the scout troop.
So here I am, a kid being excited beyond my expectations by my parents or their friends or a scout leader or person at school and the guilt, shame, feeling of disgust all gets muddled in with the ‘high’ of it all. So my peers are telling me this is what a makes a man and I don’t know if I should tell the police or give myself a ‘high-five’. This was 40+ years ago people, the world was different, and getting laid, at any age, by anyone was cool. And who could I tell? We all knew back then that Scout Leaders didn’t do this sort of thing, your teachers never would have, and especially not your mother or father.
I have young kids. If I am going to write honestly and openly to help other people, I don’t want them to see their daddy’s name on a book until they have the capacity to understand fully. All they know is that they can’t see their grandparents because it’s not safe.
I’m a Christian minister, and this work will not make the Christian Book Sellers Top Ten list. It might end up with a warning sticker, but certainly not an endorsement to buy it.
Many people have told their stories and made a career out of it. I don’t want to do that. If one man or one victim’s spouse is helped by this book, then the effort, the money, the time is worth it. If I only sell one, then my kids will never have to know it was my story and the one man that needed the help received the help. If we make millions, and I sincerely hope we do, I want to give it all away to help men like me so they don’t have to go through what I had to go through alone.
I probably won’t stay anonymous forever, there may come a time where it is more helpful for the story to have a face, but at the moment I feel like I’m able to help the million unseen men most effectively this way.